What, What, What, What, What?

Does the title of this post look a little strange to you?  Maybe you would be more familiar with Why, Why, Why, Why, Why? 

As Tony Robbins often says, the quality of the answer is very dependent upon the quality of the question.  If we really want to understand the deep reasons for our thoughts and feelings, then why is probably the wrong question.  I am arguing for What? Instead. 

Yesterday I wrote about Ego Aikido and the concept that maybe we can use Topher Morrison’s negotiation aikido technique to get our egos to be less obstructive and bring our true self to the negotiation of life.

A key part of his technique is the question of What?

When we ask a person why they want a particular thing, just by asking why we are likely to make the person start adding more and more detail.  For example, why do you want a first class flight to get to Scotland?  The person is going to talk about the lounge, the service, the big seat etc.  If you are trying to argue for a different form of transport, you are helping the other person take the argument away from you.

Ask the person what they are trying to achieve by taking a first class flight to Scotland though and you actually take them further away from the detail.  They might answer that they need to get to Scotland, they want to be relaxed when they get there, they want a smooth passage etc.  With an answer like that, you can probably insert a different form of transport and still achieve those things.

So… What? Creates abstraction.  Why? Adds detail.

If you want to shift somebody’s view, abstraction is your friend.  It is much easier because somewhere in those higher realms, if you also ask your true self the what question, the two views will probably meet. (for the NLPers out there, this is chunking in action)

Lets apply that to yesterday’s example.

If my true self had asked my ego Why they rejected love, it would have created an opportunity to list off all the details about all the faults it thinks it has.  But by asking what it was trying to achieve, it created an opportunity for my true self to help it out my offering to receive all the love instead of the ego.

So, if your true self is battling with your ego, instead of asking yourself why you are feeling that way, why you cant seem to get it to stop etc.  Start asking yourself what you are trying to achieve with those feelings.  Once again, it might just bring your greatness to the negotiation!

Until tomorrow…

Ego Aikido

Yesterday I wrote about how important it is to make sure that your true self turns up to the negotiation that plays out between your greatness and your ego.  Put that on hold for a second and think about some of the techniques that we use to circumvent the need for this.

Some courses, for example NLP ones, aim to use techniques that alter the viewpoint of your deep seated unconscious in a bid to make your conscious behave differently.  This can have success, it certainly has for me, but it doesn’t really acknowledge that the two viewpoints are going to keep on playing out.  They attempt to merge the two into a single form of behaviour and then the effects tend to wear off.

Some of us are lucky to have experienced some of Darren Eden’s training which is all about accessing your intuition, the intent of your true self, and wielding that will rather than your identity’s or ego’s.  Again, this is a fantastic way to create new and wondrous things in your life but still works from a presupposition that the viewpoint of your ego (or identity) cannot help you.  And indeed, this seems quite a real presupposition because it is very clear sometimes that people still find it hard to accept what their intuition is telling them and actually is just their ego getting in the way (me included).

So, back to negotiation.  Neither approach really considers that the ideal objective of a negotiation is a win-win outcome for both parties.  Both approaches attempt to quash the ego’s viewpoint. 

I think that when you manage to pull off a win-win, the outcomes are generally better and are certainly more likely to stick. (which is why yesterday I said you should never think of a negotiation as a conflict)

So, is it possible to achieve a win-win outcome in the never ending negotiation between your ego and your true self and still achieve what your greatness is really aiming for?  It certainly seems unlikely doesn’t it, but how about this……

A guy called Topher Morrison sells a short audio course called Negotiation Aikido – I highly recommend it.  Now Aikido is all about using your opponent’s attacking energy against themselves.  The objective is that it becomes effortless to defend yourself because it is the attacker’s energy that does all the hard work, you just need to connect with it and use it to your advantage.  Topher has worked out a fantastic way of taking this concept and using it in negotiation in such a way that even though you do this, the other person still feels like they have got their win – so there is no conflict and no resistance to you getting your end goal.

I would like to explore the idea that acting in our true self mode, we can use our ego’s energy to flow in way that naturally supports your true self’s objectives instead of needing to battle with it.  This idea depends upon your ability to see true self and ego as two separate beings but hopefully by now you can see that.

To stop this turning into a mammoth post, I will give a rather canned example here and then talk about the technique tomorrow.

Supposing your true-self loves to receive love but your ego hates it and prefers to think of itself as unworthy.  An Aikido negotiation would look like this:

True-Self:  “Ego, what are you trying to achieve by deflecting all the love that comes your way”

Ego:  “I have to, I need to keep up my image of not being worthy so it is really important to make sure that no love gets in”

True-Self:  “That must be hard work”

Ego: “It is, it takes a lot of effort and I don’t really enjoy it, it makes me feel pretty crappy really”

True-Self:  “I can help you out there, just send it all to me instead.  I will happily take it off your hands, sounds like you have got enough on your plate”

Ego: “Thanks, I will do that from now on”

True-Self: “Great”

Ok, so written like that it is corny.  But, that is a win win.  All the love flows to your true self.  Your ego automatically calls up your true self any time some love comes its way.  It even thinks it is doing itself a favour because it doesn’t need to put any effort into rejecting it and feeling crappy in the process.  That is Aikido!

I only thought of this today but I think there might be something in it. Certainly worth exploring.  Even if it just gets your greatness to the negotiation, it is better than the one sided affair that has probably been going on in your life.  

There is a technique for making sure negotiations that way – see you tomorrow!

Life is a Negotiation

Wow, so here goes my first post.  Thank you for looking in, I’m truly honored.  My passion in life is all about taking a concept from one sphere and then using it to my or the world’s benefit in another.  That is where “weaving” comes in and that is generally where my insights will come from.

Sitting here starting to write I have just come up with the idea to run with themes.  A big theme for me right now is the concept of dealing with what my ego or identity would like to do versus what my true self or greatness would like to do.   (I will use the terms ego and identity interchangeably and also true self with greatness)

It strikes me that the conflict (it nearly always is a conflict) between the two is a bit like a negotiation between two people of different views.  Basically, life is a negotiation!  The first thing to say is that you should never go into a negotiation thinking it is a conflict  - but that is tomorrow’s post!

Now imagine a negotiation where it is pre agreed that whatever gets decided is the full and final decision.  Then imagine that only one party turns up for it.  Its pretty easy to say that the person who turns up is going to get their way whereas if the second party even just showed their face, the chances are the outcome would be just a little more balanced.

When you let your ego run the show, you are creating a one sided negotiation and so you have no real chance of getting what your greatness wants.

So how to make sure the real you, your true self, turns up?  This is where the weaving comes in.

A technique I use in work a lot when I am working out how to solve a problem is to stop and think about an expert I respect in the particular problem space and say to myself  “what would such and such say?”  I have made this a deliberate habit.

What happens when I do that is that I transport out of my own thoughts and get to think as if I was that other person.  I don’t need to see them or talk to them, I can literally think their thoughts.  It works really well and because it feels like their thoughts, it in no way bangs up against my own ego.

So how about making it a habit of asking yourself “what would my true self say?”  Ask it as if it were a completely different person and it might just skip past your ego.  You need to be honest about it but when you do make that a habit, you at least have a chance of turning up to the negotiation and that is a better start then just letting your ego have free reign!

Until tomorrow. 

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